This song (from Jesus Christ Superstar) has been going round my head for several weeks now. I’m aware I’ve not posted anything recently, but I’ve been having a few ups and downs with S which have resulted in a sort-of split as he’s not in any state to have a full relationship with me at the moment. So, a lot of my time has been spent curled up in bed being a little upset.
What I will say however, is that I’m so grateful to be poly. Even while I’m grieving for what S and I had – and hope to have again – M has been very supportive, even letting me eat ice cream out the tub to help me feel better. If I had to deal with this on my own, without any close friends or other partners, I think that I’d be coping a lot worse than I actually am. L has also been supportive, to both me and S (sometimes my associations feel rather incestuous!) and I’m so grateful for the help. While it sounds selfish, the fact that if I lose one person I love – and don’t get me wrong, I still deeply love and miss S – I have others, I’m not alone.
I know for a lot of people, close friends would be that support, but having someone you love and who loves you back supporting you, somehow helps more – I still feel I’m able to be loved, able to have a relationship, just because one relationship isn’t in good shape at the moment doesn’t doom me to the life of a spinster. It’s an incredibly helpful feeling for me.
Poly by its very nature opens you up to more possible heartbreak and pain, there’s more than one person who can cut you like a knife and pull your still beating heart from your chest. I’m not going to lie and say that if S hadn’t agreed to some form of commitment still between us (it’s complicated) then I wouldn’t be wrapped up in my duvet with chocolate and sad songs – a break-up is a break-up whether it’s with your core partner or one of your other loves. So, yes, I’m feeling down and depressed and missing him terribly and I’ve had one night of crying myself to sleep recently.
However poly also means you have closer support than many friends could give you, by people who know you intimately and love you. I’d have been even more devastated if I hadn’t had people I could lean on and ask for help from, and who could show me that I’m not unwanted, unloved, and all those other feelings that swirl up during a split. Maybe, for now, S can’t cope with having a full relationship with me, although that may hopefully change in the future, but M still wants me as a partner and I still have L looking after me when needed.
The only problem is, I’ve found someone (O) who looks very interesting, and I’m struggling to not rebound onto him while mourning my relationship with S. Hopefully I won’t, being poly doesn’t mean rebounding can’t happen. We’ll see how that goes, but I’m being cautious. No one can replace S in my heart and I don’t want anyone to. I may be capable of loving multiple people, but each indiviual deserves to be loved for themselves, not to squash into holes left by other people even while they may fulfil some of the roles that those people did in my life.
I’m seeing S in 5 weeks at least for an event we go to (and I share his tent!) so I’m looking forward to that at least. Plus I’m still supporting S and being friends, and I’ll be there if he needs me.
Maybe we can start again. 🙂